Which was, in her own words:

“It feels like my throat is literally closing, chest getting tight, feeling like I want to run.”

There was no indication that she was remotely thinking about the vocal cords. And through play or the imagination, we arrived at a valid map of the larynx.

But here’s the thing. As special as my wife is to me, she’s no different than everyone else I’ve talked to over the course of the last year—people who I’ve engaged on a variety of topics, from the country to what they sense and feel in the body. All unexpectedly leaving me with a map of dysfunction in the human body and the world.

What follows is a transcript of the very casual conversation I had with my wife Anna. One where the vocal cords—they’re really vocal folds because they’re not quite cords—are stuck in the middle of the larynx (voice box), in what’s understood as a “closed” position.

(The vocal folds are the two vertical bars that look like lips in the diagram above)

Adam: Imagine shrinking and showing up in the throat. What do you see?

Anna: It’s red. And dark. But, you know, shadowy. It’s not like pitch black dark.There’s a little bit of light so it’s shadowy. And it’s got like, you can see the walls of the throat. They’ve got a throat-like texture. Bumpy’s the wrong word, but you know it’s uh… corrugated, a corrugated texture.

Adam: So what does corrugated mean?

Anna: There’s folds. And then it’s slimy. It’s got a little bit of like mucus and like wetness. It’s moving. It’s sort of like pulsing.

Adam: What’s it pulsing with?

Anna: Blood flow… Swallowing… breathing… everything sort of just like moves as the things move around it.

Adam: And do you feel like it’s like a cozy environment to be in?

Anna: No, it’s gross. It’s slimy and dark and wet. And warm.

Adam: If you were to yell… would there be… what would be the—

Anna: It’d be echoey.

Adam: Do you feel at home in the throat?

Anna: No, it’s uncomfortable… It’s small. It’s like a tube, so I feel like I have to like stay in the middle so I don’t touch the walls that are slimy.

Adam: And so what would make—what would make you feel more comfortable in there?

Anna: If it was bigger. If I had more space. If it was like less slimy.

Adam: And what could you do to make it more comfortable there?

Anna: Nothing. There’s no space. I need more space. It physically is not enough space.

Adam: Well, how could you create more space?

Anna: I would have to shrink.

Adam: Let’s say there’s a way for you to create more space.

Anna: I would move the walls… I would have to push them to make the big—everything wider… I’d make it wider, make it a big—bigger space.

Adam: So you want to make the walls wider so that you have more space because previously you were in the middle of them and you felt like you didn’t—you couldn’t move?

Anna: Yeah, it wasn’t enough space. I was too close to the walls.

Adam: And what happens when you create more space?

Anna: I can move around. But right now I can’t really move around.

Adam: Where do you want to move around?

Anna: I mean, I don’t. I don’t want to be in there. But like in general if I could like I could walk around or like sit down or something… Right now I can’t move.

Adam: Why would you want to walk around—walk around or sit down?

Anna: Because I’m just standing in the middle, not able to move… Imagine you’re in a tube where like everything is… the edges are an inch away from you… That’s uncomfortable. It’s claustrophobic.

Adam: Imagine that you could redesign the throat. What would it look like?

Anna: It would be more spacious and open.

Adam: And with more spacious, is there an echo?

Anna: Yeah, there’d still be an echo. I mean more space usually creates more of an echo.

Adam: So then the difference would be what?

Anna: I wouldn’t touch the walls… I could move around.

Anna used the word folds to describe the walls of the throat, which from the perspective of the vocal folds are the walls.

If you look closely at the diagram below, there’s a mass on each side of the vocal folds called the ventricular or vestibular folds, more commonly referred to as the “false folds.”

These walls—the false folds—are mucous membranes surrounding the vocal folds, capable of making distinct guttural or throaty sounds, but primarily serve in a support role. They do things like provide lubrication to the vocal folds, which don’t create their own lubricant:

It’s got a little bit of like mucus and like wetness.

They also support the body in other ways, like opening and closing to protect the lungs when we eat and drink. In fact, the entire voice box moves as one to facilitate these functions, as described by Anna:

Swallowing… breathing… everything sort of just like moves as the things move around it.

But this is where we begin to see the dysfunction in the body. Because the vocal folds see everything moving around them. But they don’t see themselves moving with their surroundings. They’re separate, moving away:

It’s uncomfortable… I feel like I have to like stay in the middle so I don’t touch the walls that are slimy.

They don’t even want to be lubricated by the part of the voice box responsible for lubricating them. So they’re removing themselves from their surroundings. And then claiming to have no space:

There’s no space. I need more space. It physically is not enough space.

… all when they have surrendered their own space…

So when the vocal folds are rejecting the false folds they’re actually rejecting themselves, the body. Because now they no longer have what they need to function. There is no lubrication. And there is no space.

So when Anna says:

“It feels like my throat is literally closing, chest getting tight, feeling like I want to run.”

We now know the parts of the larynx—from the vocal folds staying in a closed position to the false folds pressing into them to the epiglottis (which is the flap above)—are all working together to restrict airflow to the lungs.

But we have yet to address the echo, which to me is the most remarkable part of the relationship between the vocal folds and the false folds.

If the vocal folds were to push back against the false folds that made them feel claustrophobic… If Anna were to push back against whatever in her life was giving her that claustrophobic feeling in her throat… there’s not only more space but also more of an echo:

Anna: I mean more space usually creates more of an echo.

Adam: So then the difference would be what?

Anna: I wouldn’t touch the walls… I could move around.

And with more space, the vocal folds… Anna… can now move around and vibrate. Anna… the vocal folds… can now vibrate to create an echo in the space. But by moving closer to the false folds, they’ve already reorganized the space, moving the false folds into a position that allows them to be a functional part of the body.

Whereas previously, all the movement of the voice box was moving around the vocal folds—where the vocal folds were staying in their locked or closed position—now the vocal folds create or are the movement in the voice box. Pushing back against the false folds reconnects the vocal folds to the voice box and larger body.

In our everyday lives, we disconnect from the vocal folds (really the body) when we decide to please others (our parents, society, the world) at the expense of ourselves or what we feel and sense in the body. We ignore or reject our feelings just to fit in. But when we do that, we’ve forgotten that the body needs every single one of its individual parts to function, and that we are the body itself.

We all cut ourselves off as the vocal folds have from the body. Become something separate from the world—something that needs to shrink and please the world. And how claustrophobic that is.

From there we look around and feel like the country or world is encroaching on our space, taking away our freedom. And it is, but because we’ve failed to participate all along—moving away from the country as the vocal folds were moving away from the false folds. Thinking we could get away, when really we’re doing the exact opposite—giving the country space to take up more and more of what was once our space, shrinking ourselves every step of the way. And then seeing the false fold as the problem standing in our own way. Failing to look in the mirror.

But here’s the thing. Honoring the authority of the body over the social contract is the only way the whole—the world—advances. Because without the vocal fold, where would be the communication for the body? And without the false fold, where would be the lubrication for that communication? Or the pressure build up to create sound? The body gets nowhere without each and every unique individual part allowing the body to work through it.

And it is the same with the world. Without Anna standing up for herself, the world is missing a vocal cord. It sounds so selfish to reject others for ourselves or what we feel in the body, but following the authority of the body is the least selfish thing any of us could do. Because what we feel and sense is the world working through us. The body working through us. They are the same movement. But we don’t see that. We’re the isolated vocal cords that fail to see that we’ve created a world that rejects us.

This disconnection is a core tenet of modern society. It becomes our default in early childhood. And I was not at all surprised to learn that after showing Anna the dysfunction of the vocal cords, she suddenly remembered that she had been diagnosed with a vocal cord dysfunction in childhood. One that exactly matched how she had just described feeling in the throat, “…like my throat is literally closing, chest getting tight.”

But make no mistake. She may have had a vocal cord “dysfunction,” but it is a dysfunction of a disconnected world showing up in the body. The body of children. And how sick it makes us all.

And now in our country we feel like we can’t breathe, like we’ve given away our power and the false folds of the world have filled our space. When will we wake up and realize that we created the echo chamber?

Why do I have a headache right now?

It seems odd to ask the appendix that question, right?

Dear Adam -

It’s pretty simple. You’re thinking too much. You feel like you don’t know how to create an audience. You don’t know how to move forward with your book. With your life. And so you feel stagnant. But you’re stagnant because you’re just thinking thinking thinking. When really you need to let go and just start flowing. Thats what the bowels teach you right? To let go and start flowing. Whatever you don’t need needs to go. You need to let go of your doubt. Right here you have everything you ever needed, without the appendix. You can’t see that.

Now you’re blowing with the wind. There is no more flow than that. And from there you see that when the colon gets flushed you get flushed. The colon gets backed up and you get backed up. You are the body. You don’t need to protect yourself from the flow of life.

The prevailing medical theory is that the appendix supports the bowels, protecting them from a full “flush.” But I don’t have an appendix. So nothing’s protecting me from that full colon flush that might happen if I get sick or eat something I shouldn’t have. But my appendix (clearly the body at this point since I don’t have one) is pointing out that now I’m just more connected to all of my surroundings. Which we think of as the world. But really is the body.

When things are up, you go up. When they’re down, you go down. You are the wind. When you let go of the appendix, you understand the appendix was always the body. And the appendix is still here.

What I make of this is that there’s no reason to hang on. The term “appendix” comes from the Latin word “appendere,” which means “to hang upon.” But it’s almost like the appendix is saying, hang on to what—the body that you are? Let go and open up to the flow of life (the world) because that is the body. The entire body moves as one. There’s no need to hang onto the bowels. You are the body.

And since the body is the world, what would that say about America and the world?

America’s thinking too much. America feels like America doesn’t know how to create America. America doesn’t know how to move forward with America.

Of course we could say that about the world too…

America doesn’t know how to move forward with the world.

And so America feels America.

Which right now is stagnant. Unsure about how to move forward.

But America’s America because America’s just thinking thinking thinking.

Which right now makes America…

America’s just America America America.

Perhaps it should be world world world. Not thinking, not hanging on. Opening up.

When really America needs to let go and just start flowing.

Then America’s just world world world. Not thinking, not hanging on. Opening up.

Thats what the world teaches America right? To let go and start flowing. Whatever the world doesn’t need needs to go. America needs to let go of America’s world. The world has everything the world ever needed, without America. America can’t see that.

Now the world is blowing with America.

Where in this case America is the wind.

There is no more world than America. And from the world the world sees that when America gets flushed the world gets flushed. America gets backed up and the world gets backed up. America is the world. America doesn’t need to protect America from the world. When America’s up, the world goes up. When America’s down, the world goes down. The world is America. When America lets go of the world, America understands America was always the world. And America is still the world.

So I made America the wind but the world would work too wouldn’t it?

There is no more America than the world.

Everything always looks so different, but it’s not. If I could explain one thing to people it would be that. It is right in front of us all day every day. And we completely miss it.

And from America, America sees that when the world gets flushed America gets flushed. The world gets backed up and America gets backed up.

…The world’s America because America’s just America America America.

We think we’re so different. I think I’m so different. Because if that’s the world I see I am seeing myself.

And how does that translate to the body?

Now the bowels are blowing with the lungs. There is no more flow than the lungs. And from the bowels the brain sees that when the colon gets flushed the brain gets flushed. The brain gets backed up and the colon gets backed up. The brain is the body. The brain doesn’t need to protect the bowels from the flow of the body. When the lungs are up, the body goes up. When the lungs are down, the body goes down. The body is the lungs. When the brain lets go of the body, the brain understands the brain was always the body. And the brain is still here.

The brain will do what the bowels are doing. The bowels will do what the lungs are doing. Your breathing will be sh*t (I have too much fun with word play) if the bowels are backed up. And your bowels will be sh*t if you have short breath.

Now the lungs are blowing with bowels. There is no more flow than the bowels. And from the lungs the brain sees that when the lungs gets flushed the brain gets flushed. The lungs gets backed up and the brain gets backed up.

My headache!

I say again, it is all the body. But we only see parts.

I started talking to my appendix; here’s part of what it said:

Here’s the deal with the appendix. In 1998, you continued to reject the bowels, as you always had…

(This original dialogue can be found at the end)

…Here’s the deal with America. In 1998, America continued to reject the world, as America always had. America would not clear America in the world. So America held onto the world for years.

America was holding onto what the world did not need. But controlling America is creating the world. What I mean is that when America controls America, really any part of the world but America makes this clear, America is in effect generating the world.

Has America considered what America means? America the world no longer needs. And has America considered what controlling America means? Holding onto America the world no longer needs. So controlling the world is holding onto America. The world does not want to be controlled any more than America. And America makes clear that America isn’t really in control. (As in America thinks it’s in control, but it can’t even control itself)

So when America continues going through the world, doing things that are convenient to America without concern for the world, America is actually accumulating America. (Interesting thought, right?)

Back to the world though. When America controls America, restraining America, America is backing up the world. The world is not meant to be backed up, especially with America. Remember, the world does not need America. The world wants to get rid of America. Except when America holds on, America creates America throughout the world. Holding America is holding the world. The world is becoming America. (You don’t say)

So the world becomes America. (Sick)

When the world really needed to be open, so that the world could also expel what the world did not need. Like America. The world is in that way no different than America. But the entire world is like America now.

And when America says America, America doesn’t mean America from America. America means America from controlling the world. That is America.

(Original dialogue… a diary entry of sorts)

Here’s the deal with the appendix. In 1998, you continued to reject the bowels, as you always had. You would not clear waste in public. So you held onto waste for years.

So you were holding on to what the body did not need. But controlling waste is creating waste. What I mean is that when you control the body, really any part of the body but the bowels make this clear, you are in effect generating waste.

Have you considered what waste means? Something you no longer need. And have you considered what controlling the body means? Holding onto something you no longer need. So controlling the body is holding onto waste. The body does not want to be controlled any more than the bowels. And the bowels make clear that you aren’t really in control. So when you continue going through life, doing things that are convenient to you without concern for the body, you are actually accumulating waste.

Back to the appendix though. When you control the bowels, restraining them, you are backing up the appendix. The appendix is not meant to be backed up, especially with waste. Remember, the body does not need waste. The body wants to get rid of waste. Except when you hold on, you create waste throughout the body. Holding the bowels is holding the body. The body is becoming waste. So the body becomes sick. When the appendix really needed to be open, so that it could also expel what it did not need. Like the bowels. The appendix is in that way no different than the bowels. But the entire body is like this now.

And when I say waste, I don’t mean waste from the bowels. I mean waste from controlling the appendix. That is the waste. (To be clear: the appendix does not become sick from filling with literal waste. It gets sick from being held or suppressed like the bowels. Because holding on affects the entire body. Holding on is the equivalent of filling the body with waste.)

…When you control yourself, restraining yourself, you are backing up yourself.

We all need to get rid of waste.

The next post will clarify the division.

Just ask the body.

I control
When I sleep.
When I eat.
When I work.
When I move.
Where I work.
How I work.
How I move.
How I look.
How I feel.
What I eat.
What I feel.
What I smell.
What I taste.
What I hear.
What I see.

Just ask the body.

I’ve ignored and rejected the body—my entire life.
Because it’s my body.
I’m in control.

Sure, the body has tried many times
To stop me.
It’s tried to take me down.

But I’m no amateur. I started young.

In kindergarten I wouldn’t… poop
I wouldn’t clear or expel waste
In school.

So there I was at the age of five
Making myself sick each and every day
Fighting against the body’s natural rhythm and autonomy.
Clinging to what the body no longer needed
Because I believed that I needed to please others
And that waste was dirty.

As if I knew what the body needed better than the body itself.

And what a difficult thing to do.
Control the unpredictable and involuntary bowels to the point of disconnection.
Creating dis-ease to protect myself from an uncertain world.

I could have just let it all go to create immediate relief.
But the world was foreign.
Even though everyone expelled waste.
I was holding on.

So my body was just as foreign
Rejecting it in order to find acceptance.

Separating myself.
Pushing myself further and further away
While believing that I was moving closer.

And what could be more frustrating than being at war with the body
While thinking I’ve been at war with the world?

There was a time when my will was the will of the body
But that was all before I felt like I had a choice in the matter.
All before there was something I realized I could control.

A time when I was everything and no thing
My parents
My environment
The nurse that delivered me to my mother’s arms.

When I was hungry
I ate.
When I was tired
I slept.

I had everything I needed.
I didn’t need to control a thing.
Yet.

But the world saw arms and legs
Attached to me.

Then suddenly I was naked, Adam
Without clothing.
And unable to expel waste.

A child that learned about the world.
A child that learned to control.

Because without control I was naked.
Exposed in a world that I was not.

And now I was falling.

So by the age of five I was a dictator.
And by the age of fifteen
After controlling the body for years
Well on my way to hyper-tension.
Creating dis-ease in the body.

And how could I not be?
When I’m controlling the body every step of the way.

And look at all I’ve created.

I’m an authoritarian America. The world.

Just ask the world.

I control
When the world sleeps.
When the world eats.
When the world works.
When the world moves.
Where the world works.
How the world works.
…
What the world sees.

Just ask the world.

I’ve ignored and rejected the world—my entire life.
Because the world’s my world.
America’s in control.

Sure, the world has tried many times
To stop me.
The world’s tried to take me down.

But I’m no world. The world started me.

The world wouldn’t clear or expel America
In the world.

So there I was at the age of five
Making myself America each and every day
Fighting against the world’s natural rhythm and autonomy.
Clinging to the America the world no longer needed
Because I believed that I needed to please the world
And that the world was America.

As if I knew what the world needed better than the world itself.

And what a difficult world to do.
Control the unpredictable and involuntary America to the point of the world.
Creating America to protect myself from an uncertain world.

I could have just let America all go to create immediate relief.
But I was America.
Even though I expelled the world.
I was holding myself.

So I was just as the world
Rejecting myself in order to find myself.

Separating myself.
Pushing myself further and further away
While believing that I was moving the world.

And what could be more me than being at war with myself
While thinking I’ve been at war with the world?

There was a time when I was the world
But that was all before I felt like I had America in the world.
All before the world was an America I realized I could control.

A time when I was the world and no America
Me
The world
The world that delivered me to myself.

When the world was hungry
The world ate.
When the world was tired
The world slept.

The world had everything the world needed.
The world didn’t need to control the world.
Yet.

But the world saw America
Attached to me.

Then suddenly I was me, America
Without the world.
And unable to expel myself.

I learned about the world.
An America that learned to control.

Because without America I was the world.
The world in an America that I was not.

And now I was America.

So by the age of five I was America.
And by the age of fifteen
After controlling myself for years
Well on my way to hyper-America.
Creating America in the world.

And how could I not be?
When I’m controlling myself every step of the way.

Chapters

00:00 Intro

01:01 Feeling the United States

10:30 The United States as your house

14:56 Transforming Frustration into Insight

14:56 The ideal of the United States as my house

Let’s take the topic of a king as an example. When I explore the idea that a single person (king, president, etc) can be more powerful than any other, I get a very distinct feeling throughout my body. It starts in the back of my throat as a hollow ball of sorts, with a light but compacted and spongy surface. It’s as if there’s a hollow handful of wet leaves or a wad of loosely grouped rubber bands sitting there. I can surely breathe, but there’s clearly something else lining the air canal in there. And in the focus here (as much as I would like to make up this next detail it is true) I quite literally sneezed. At this point I can’t help but compare this feeling to that of a seasonal allergy. My throat then seems to develop a post-nasal drip, a moisture resulting from the foreign objects in the passage. I start to feel it in my chest too. It feels very much like I’m having a light allergic reaction.

What this pile of leaves wants would, with logic, seem to be beyond me as I can’t have a conversation with it, except that in allowing it to take over my idea of my self since it is in me after all, I can reply directly to any question I might ask. It becomes very clear that it (now I) want to cover or take over all that I am—the throat, chest, etc—on the inside. Which at first seems annoying and counterproductive. Then I realize that it wants to completely cover me to protect me from harm, as the body normally does with mucus in response to ragweed and pollen. Ironically, like allergies the harm that we’re talking about is not in me but outside of me as we’re focused on other kings (though this is clearly harming me). So if this leaf being could have its way, it would wrap a blanket around me, throughout my body, as it protects me from danger. Or better, completely remove me from external circumstances and keep me in the house, as a case of bad allergies seems to do.

Now if safety is what this protective allergic reaction is after, it would behoove the bigger me to give it all the safety that I have so that it can realize that it doesn’t have to try and inflame every part of my body to keep me safe and away from the outside world. When I do that I find relief and freedom. The blanket turns into a simple blindfold, which I understand to mean that I should interact with the world but without the eyes, seeing from the inside out rather than the outside in.

Without the senses, my external circumstances become somewhat irrelevant—except for what I suggest at the beginning, where the one exists in the other. I can now feel that there is a void or need to step into my own kingdom. Since what’s outside becomes irrelevant with the blindfold, I’m forced to build it myself—someone has to! Then in doing so, what was once inside me gradually comes to exist outside of me until at some point I have become the king or hero or leader that I was waiting on someone else to be for me when I looked out. In reality, someone else was just filling the void that I left, creating from the inside out like I should have done all along. This is the issue with complacency. Fortunately, the circumstances—outside and inside—are there to push us to wake up and rise to the occasion.

If when we have a great leader, we fall into the trap of believing it’s all taken care of, an unpredictable, unrestricted leader should be a wake up call that we have given away our own power. But many of us are living with this allergy and have no idea, writing it off as something else. Ignoring the sign that we must actively move forward as individuals regardless of circumstances. A great leader should be nothing more than an example for us all to follow—not someone who does everything for us, but someone who shows us what we can be. If we become dependent upon them what happens when they leave? And the unhinged leader should make clear that we individually have more power than we think—if only we would be more commanding. In both cases, we must reject complacence and advance personal sovereignty. Any idea that it’s all taken care of that is not your own doing should be a red flag regardless of party affiliation. It’s time to wake up.

For what it’s worth, I get a similar feeling when exploring the division in our country. So the feelings of division and external sovereignty go hand in hand. Meaning, a divided country is one in which individuals are struggling with their own personal sovereignty, looking to a hero to rescue them when they’re the only ones that can save themselves. Or said more directly: Instead of fighting about politics we should see our political leaders as variations of our own individual potential and recognize that our fight with others is indicative of an internal fight with ourselves. Here’s the division experience explored as a comic:

We have this false narrative that it’s the other way around. That we achieve freedom externally, through fighting and war. In this version, one might imagine these heroes were up against the British army or their masters or—in the case of Anthony—men. But I would argue the real enemy they found was themselves. Their complacency with who they were or who they were becoming in the systems they lived in.

For example, Samuel Adams under the pseudonym Candidus in the Boston Gazette in October of 1771 writes:

Instead of sitting down satisfied with the efforts we have already made, which is the wish of our enemies, the necessity of the times, more than ever, calls for our utmost circumspection, deliberation, fortitude, and perseverance.

One would expect a Zen buddhist monk to say these things. They are the fruits of meditation. But what really caught me off guard was something Frederick Douglass wrote in his 1845 memoir, recalling his “descent” into slavery: “you have seen how a man was made a slave; you shall see how a slave was made a man.” Keep in mind that Douglas was born a slave. His fall into slavery, he explains, was not at birth but when he allowed another to strip him of his dignity:

Mr. Covey succeeded in breaking me. I was broken in body, soul, and spirit. My natural elasticity was crushed, my intellect languished, the disposition to read departed, the cheerful spark that lingered about my eye died; the dark night of slavery closed in upon me; and behold a man transformed into a brute.

He had lost the fortitude and perseverance that Samuel Adams identified as key ingredients to freedom. But then in becoming free, even before becoming free on paper, he says:

My long-crushed spirit rose, cowardice departed, bold defiance took its place; and I now resolved that, however long I might remain a slave in form, the day had passed forever when I could be a slave in fact. I did not hesitate to let it be known of me, that the white man who expected to succeed in whipping, must also succeed in killing me.

I could write for hours about my findings, but they are not my motivation here. What I want to say is that it’s far too easy to allow our surroundings to dictate who we are and who we become. If we are complacent about what we are, people more active in that pursuit will decide for us.

Reiterating a point in my last post, I would think twice about claiming that there is a king in our country if we can’t see the king in ourselves. When there is a king there are subjects. And if I haven’t made myself king, I have made myself a subject through my own complacency. That decision—who I am—has been made for me already because someone else has claimed the throne—who they are. Worse would be to claim that throne for someone else, without them doing so. At this point I can’t say for sure which camp we collectively fall into on the subject of a hypothetical king. But citizens that see a king should recognize that as a call to claim their own personhood.

The catch is that if I’m against what I see as a king, I’m fighting to free myself from the grip of something beyond me. But I have no control over that thing beyond me, only myself. So I start to wonder, what power do I have regardless of what’s in front of me? And I could think and think and think my way around this. Or I could start to listen to whatever I, myself, have to say instead of what the hypothetical king in front of me says. Better yet, if I believed there was a king out there I could imagine that the king in front of me exists somewhere in me or rather my body and work with the idea there.

I will give you an example of how this might work on the subject of subjects:

When I sit quietly and allow myself to feel the complacency and disconnection that many have towards the nonpartisan idea of democracy my throat starts to feel dry and cracked to the point that I can barely breathe, let alone speak. A vision of a cracked dry desert takes over my mind, and as I look at that desert I can see that it is waiting for water.

But the longer I look at this scene, it’s clear to me that the desert needs no water. It is a desert. Capable of surviving the harshest climate. The desert does not exist at the mercy of the seasons. It does not hide from the summer or the winter. It can never be conquered or defeated by the weather. And it certainly doesn’t become any smaller when circumstances change. It is completely free, because it knows what it is—refusing to be defined by anything outside.

Now, this desert—which appeared to me through the throat as a representation of social complacency around democracy—is a reminder that I, regardless of what others are doing, have a voice and a vision that, when used, allow me to claim my own freedom. But it is also a reminder that I have an individual decision to make—to opt out of using my voice and claiming who I am or to opt in to that. This is the choice that we have to make moreso than fighting against something outside of us that we believe to be the enemy. We are our enemy. Do not fall for anything else.

Right now there is a growing idea that we have a king in our country—a country that, we say, has no place for kings. But the idea itself is half-baked: there are more than 340 million kings in our country. If only we could see that.

If only we could see that for anyone to see a king outside of them, a king must exist inside of them too. If it didn’t exist in them, they would not know what the thing outside of them was. In fact, they might not see it at all.

In many ways, to see a king—even if an incomplete or distorted vision or idea of a king—is better than seeing no king at all; we now see that there is an idea of kingship, a kingdom within us that we have yet to follow and make real in our own individual lives.

But we have been so concerned with the sliver of an idea that one person is king at the expense of others, that we have failed to explore the depths of the idea that lives within us as a birthright would.

Throughout time, the idea of a king has never been permanently unseated. This time around, it’s clear that a king is not born but created by our ideas. Which means that there will always be more. What we keep missing is that the only solution to a king outside of us has and will always be to become our own true kings—and help others do the same. A single king in a sea of true kings is of no real concern; it exists within balance and harmony, surroundings that keep it in check.

There are more than 340 million kings in our country. The question is, will you follow that idea?

That is not to say that there is nothing to do. We must realize that for something outside to bother us on the inside, it must have always been on the inside too. The same human pain and struggle that lives within what we see as the enemy also lives within us. And recognizing this, we must finally turn towards it, not just in thought but in deed.

A united community, country, or world will come no other way.

To make my point clear, imagine a large kingdom surrounded by a moat and massive wall. A wall hundreds of feet high, longer than the great wall of China with no way to possibly see over it. Then imagine that you’re sitting at the outside of the kingdom, looking up at the wall from the ground. You can see the wall very clearly, but since you’ve never been on the other side, you have no idea what’s there. All you see is an expansive wall. And you’d be right to say it’s a wall. But it could very well be the entrance to heaven or the end of a flat earth.

If you were to find a way to see above or pass through the wall, you would realize it surrounds a charming town, castle, fields, and people. Then if you were to walk within or live within the kingdom throughout the seasons, your description of the kingdom would change with your surroundings. People would come and go; weather would change; the kingdom would expand or retract. Much like a living organism. You would experience this kingdom and its changes in your body. You would feel cold, warm, optimistic, hopeful, angry, tired.

If I asked you—as a resident—about the kingdom in the summer your response would be different than if I asked you in the winter, but the answer you described in the winter would be as much the kingdom as the answer that you described in the summer.

Ideas are like this. Claude Monet was famous for painting the same scenes over and over at different times of day and on different days. A simple change in lighting can completely change the painting. And in painting over and over again, discarding his previous work to capture something in a new way, Monet was exploring the nature of ideas. In painting his garden Giverny, a single painting could never capture or be Giverny. But all of the paintings of the garden collectively represent Giverny.

And yet for some reason when we talk about words (which are intended to represent ideas in a universal way), we simply regurgitate what we’ve heard or thought. We stick with a definition and use it as long as we can, without feeling through how this understanding came to be and where it might go.

In keeping with my previous question, I leave you with a letter from John Adams to John Taylor in December of 1814 that reminds us that the idea of democracy is much more difficult to grasp than we blindly assume:

Remember Democracy never lasts long. It soon wastes exhausts and murders itself. There never was a Democracy Yet, that did not commit suicide. It is in vain to Say that Democracy is less vain, less proud, less selfish, less ambitious or less avaricious than Aristocracy or Monarchy. It is not true in Fact and no where appears in history. Those Passions are the same in all Men under all forms of Simple Government, and when unchecked, produce the same Effects of Fraud Violence and Cruelty.

Beyond the fighting and disagreement, beyond the politics and posturing, is it possible that we are describing the same kingdom after all?

I’ll say this: until we give others the opportunity to share their understanding of an idea, where we truly listen and ask questions to the point that we can see our own humanity in their humanity, we cannot possibly see things the way they do. And until we see things the way others do, we will continue to live in a divided world where we talk past each other and pray for the wind to blow our way. Each day we are given an opportunity to change, and yet we do not look deeper.

I write to you today to ask a divisive question and will listen and ask questions until I can see myself in your shoes. Later, I’ll share what I learn from everyone in a way that helps us understand each other.

So forget definitions, news, and Google, and hit reply to this email (or message if you’re on Substack) and send me a response to the following question that truly has no right or wrong answer:

What is democracy: what does it / should it look like? What does it / should it feel like for you and your family? Why does it matter (or not)?

Thank you!

PS - your reply will be sent directly to my email.

When we listen to music, we hear silence and we hear notes. Without the silence we would not be able to hear the notes. And without the notes, there would only be silence. The “two” seem so different from each other. As at odds as closing your eyes and ears and finding silence is with opening them and seeing and hearing the world. So in this sense, music and life are not so different.

If you look more closely at music or sound, you notice that silence is a note like any other. Then taking a step back, you see or hear that the particular arrangement of all of these notes (silence and sound) is and has always been a single movement. In life there is a tendency to try and escape sound by seeking silence. There is also a counter-tendency to escape silence by seeking sound. But there is no escape from movement; what we are seeking is in fact what we are avoiding.

To relate this to everyday conversations or politics (larger conversations), when we engage each other we blindly accept that there are independent movements where there is one versus or relative to the other, even in non-adversarial conversation. There is “me” talking to “you.” There are “liberals” and “conservatives.” If I am talking to you and we disagree, I and my beliefs are over here and you and your beliefs are over there. We are quite separate. If on the other hand we agree, in English we say something interesting—that we connect. But to only connect conditionally is problematic.

It would be easy to blame beliefs as the issue, but can beliefs connect without us? What I suggest is that the false and separate movements of “you” and “me” that we take at face value dictate or create the way we approach and engage in the conversation, and that this is the root problem. We have not committed to understanding—connecting with—each other but rather forcing what we know out. This is a disservice to “us,” as you and I both walk away with nothing gained but disharmony.

This seems to be a timeless and hopeless problem (at least for me), but, returning to music, the compositional structure of the sonata form offers a very practical and promising solution. A composer that writes music in this format picks two themes that seem to be in disharmony or at odds and tirelessly explores or develops the movement of the piece until it is painstakingly obvious that these “sides” are and have always been the same movement. In other words, the solution comes from the composer’s unwavering commitment to find the one in the other in totality—a full rejection that two sides could ever be anything more than an illusion and the will to see it. And for many, listening to a well-written sonata composition is nothing short of a spiritual revelation, as two disharmonious “sides” are brought into their natural whole state.

As someone who is no stranger to awkward or frustrating conversations with family, friends, and coworkers, it is quite easy for me to see that this same issue is reflected back on a larger, more intense scale in politics and in the world. At this point in time, I can think of no greater calling than embracing the sonata form, not as a musician but as a composer in everyday life. After all, finding the one in the other is what makes us whole.

In typical socratic fashion, every class started with a hypothetical question that made you challenge and clarify “your” beliefs. Here’s an example of topics:

• If you were on the senate committee responsible for approving supreme court justices, would you approve a nomination for a justice with an impeccably perfect career who had repeatedly made racial slurs in college 30 years ago but later publicly admitted and addressed those incidents expressing a perfect version of remorse and change? Then if we would say yes, as I did because no person should be defined by the mistakes of their past, we might be asked if them joining the KKK in college would change our response, and so on.

• An LGBTQ couple getting married walks into bakery run by a an orthodox Christian firmly against same sex marriage and requests that the bakery design a cake for their wedding with a design that represents this same sex union. Should the baker have to comply?

• Birthright citizenship was created for a very specific period of time, and it’s served its purpose. Should we get rid of it?

The questions I shared above all broadly belong to the idea of justice. In this blog, I have on several occasions pointed out that what we casually call an idea is comprised of a range or spectrum of expressions, and that all of the expressions are what create the idea itself. It is not much different than a color wheel. And through socratic engagement with questions like these, I found that the sliver of the idea that I was holding on to at the time I was asked a question shifted and evolved to create further expressions of justice through the process. In other words, the more I was forced to explore my self I found nothing consistent there, and this process of emptying led me to a more complete picture or understanding of justice. Then in witnessing others go through the same experience and respond in their own unique ways, an even more whole picture or vision of justice started to form. I have intentionally chosen the word vision here because the word idea comes from Greek idein meaning to see. And my point in sharing this is that as individuals we can only see so much. However, in engaging with others our vision or what we see (our idea) becomes significantly more complete.

A partial view of justice, for example, may lead to something like hanging or the death penalty. But, in exploring the idea of justice and engaging with people who have been victims, perpetrators, families of victims or perpetrators, the wrongly accused, wardens, etc. we are likely to see that practices like this fall incredibly short of what we were seeking. So as the idea of justice becomes more whole or complete, we begin to heal—as individuals and as a society—precisely because we have explored all angles together. Note that I say whole intentionally: to “heal” means to make whole. As much as we would like to take individual shortcuts or escape this reality and leave everyone behind, our own development is inherently dependent on our interactions with others. This collective participation—people coming together, intentionally or not, to form a more complete vision of society—is the root of democracy.

But today there is more talk about democracy than there ever has been in my lifetime, and if you ask me, that’s cause for serious concern: we should have been standing up for this mysterious character we call democracy all along. Our call to support the basic human right to collaborative expression is long overdue. And our sudden interest has politicized the very idea of democracy. We should have all rallied for democracy when a stifling and seemingly arrogant neoliberal democratic agenda of political correctness became more important than supporting the working class. But we didn’t. And now this same spirit of repression has reached too far: into top universities, government, science, and history—so far that our executive branch is rewriting African American history on museum websites.

So while it might look like this is all the usual political pendulum swinging from one “side” to the other, on closer inspection there is no other side. It is one thing. And within it there is a nonpartisan cancer of repression that thrives in our society of individualism. When we reject democracy, meaning dēmos the people + kratia (from kratos) strength or power, we contribute to our own decay. But the solution is right in front of us.

When we stand fearless in the power of unity and ask you to stand up for democracy, we are not asking you to go against your beliefs or have any beliefs at all. Nor are we asking you to protest against the current government, unless you are called to do so. We are asking you to remember that you are part of a greater whole and that every part of that whole is needed to be complete; and in doing so to recognize that you have a responsibility to take action. A society that censors democratic discourse is broken and unwell. And a person who lives in that society is no different, whether they realize it or not. So this is no time to sit on the sidelines as a spectator. It is now and indefinitely time to see yourself in the other and stand beside the people that are or may be repressed.

These people are closer to you than you may think—likely your favorite college professors. Host a zoom conversation and seriously debate the current issues with your friends, sign a petition, or write your congresspeople on behalf of others in your community. This is all the spirit of democracy. What matters is that you stand up for collaborative forms of expression.

So will you join us in standing up for democracy?

First they came for the Communists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Communist

Then they came for the Socialists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Socialist

Then they came for the trade unionists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a trade unionist

Then they came for the Jews
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Jew

Then they came for me
And there was no one left
To speak out for me

Pastor Martin Niemöller

I believe most ideas take a lifetime to play out. So our lives are aggregate expressions of one or more moving ideas. But in our society it’s common to have a five or ten year plan and never change course.

Sufi mystic Inayat Khan has a great story that represents the importance of following the “idea” without attachment to the form:

There was a young robber who used to attack travelers passing along the way where he lived and he robbed from them whatever he could. And one day before going to his work he came to a sage and greeted him and said, "Sage, I want your blessing, your help in my occupation." The sage asked what his occupation was. He said, "I am an unimportant robber." The sage said, "Yes, you have my blessing." The robber was very pleased, and went away and had greater success than before. Happy with his success he returned to the sage and greeted him by touching his feet and said, "What a wonderful blessing it is to be so successful." But the sage said, "I am not yet satisfied with your success, I want you to be more successful. Find three or four more robbers and join together and then go on with your work." He joined with four or five other robbers who went with him and again had great success. Once more he came to the sage and said, "I want your blessing." The sage said, "You have it. But still I am not satisfied. Four robbers are very few. You ought to form a gang of twenty." So he found twenty robbers. And eventually there were hundreds of them.

Then the sage said, "I am not satisfied with the little work you do. You are a small army of young men, you ought to do something great. Why not attack the Mogul strongholds and push them out, so that in this country we may reign ourselves?" And so he did, and a kingdom was established. The next move of the robber would have been to form an empire of the whole country. But he died. Had he lived Shivaji would have formed an empire. The sage could have said, "What a bad thing, what a wicked thing you are doing. Go in the factory and work!" But the sage saw what Shivaji was capable of. Robbery was his first lesson, his a b c. He had only a few steps to advance to be the defender of his country, and the sage realized that he was going to be a king, to release his people from the Moguls. The robbers did not see it, the young man did not think about it. He was pushed into it by the sage. The sage was not pushing him into robbery; he was preparing him for a great work.

You never know where following an “idea” can take you.

While this was less of a traditionally “creative” act than other topics I have and plan to address in this blog, and I did not share the complete vision, the more I have played with any form of active imagination and storytelling, the more apparent it has become that stepping into creation reflects a mirror for revelation—both “inside” and “out.”

If this sounds absurd or makes no sense to you, the most important thing is to try it and then continually look for the significance of the story in your own life. But it’s also helpful to understand that an idea (beauty, truth, justice, etc) is not something to be created but something to be revealed. It’s Latin and Greek root idein literally means “to see.” And what you see in a vision—the movement of the idea—will depend on your particular relationship to the idea itself.

So let’s continue with what I call musical painting (or I guess visioning) with Beethoven’s famous Opus 27. This time, specifically focus on the movement that the song represents and the context in which it happens. The movement will reveal the idea to you. In that idea will be something about you and life.

Like before, take out a piece of paper and a pen or start a new google doc if that’s easier, and start writing 10 seconds after you hit play on the song below.

I can assure you there is something beyond what you hear. It may be a visual. But it could also be a feeling or a sense you get.

Do not interrupt anything that you notice. That will 100% break your flow (leave spell check for another time). Give it space and allow it to lead you. Just continue writing once you start, without breaks. And please let me know what you put down!

I’ll briefly share what came up for me below the first time I did this, but please try yourself before reading on and share what happens with me.

I have told many stories about this song over several months, but the first time I heard it I received a very vivid image of a man running away from another man, running up and down stairs in an old European fortress and turning corners to get away. Ultimately the one catches the other, they collide, and then realize that they are the same person. When they finally meet, their heartbeat is so strong that they become one. And the man wondered why he was so afraid of himself in the first place.

I’ve also talked to my wife and mom about this song…

To my wife, there is someone in a courtyard in a European town trying to share big news with others. They excitedly jump from group to group to communicate what they know.

To my mom, the song is a big argument, apparently between myself and my father! Oh and no one wins.

Look forward to hearing about your experience!

Scene. For hundreds of years, human beings have derived value, worth, and meaning from “work.” This continues to be the case today.

Enter AI, stage left. A byproduct of humans, now capable of replacing most work. Progressively entering the workforce. Employers—from law firms to tech companies—are eager to use it. And it’s making leaps in months, not years or decades. Layoffs have started across tech. More are coming.

Enter Donald Trump, 12:00. Hired a tech billionaire that owns an AI company to advise on government efficiency. Cut off funding to key government departments, including the NIH and foreign AID. Currently encouraging federal workers to leave their positions.

There is no question that AI and Donald Trump intersect. But where does that leave everyone else—the people already, and soon to be, replaced by public and private organizations?

There is an argument that AI will make humans more productive than they’ve ever been. But in reality AI will become more productive than it’s ever been—not the best lawyers, doctors, federal workers, or software engineers. They will all be replaced. And as AI gets better, even entrepreneurs will deal with smaller margins than ever.

BUT a new paradigm will emerge. Once people realize that we are all connected.

Connection is the only thing that has ever created lasting value, worth, or meaning, after all. Everything else is just changing forms. The 10,000 forms.

So let’s continue musical painting, and use these paintings to synthesize our orientation to ourselves and the world around us. Like before, I’ll share my own inner vision with you below, but I encourage you to take a few deep breaths and try yourself first.

Like before, take out a piece of paper and a pen or start a new google doc if that’s easier, and start writing 10 seconds after you hit play on the song right here.

Open yourself to the possibility that there is something beyond what you hear, and wait for what it is. It may be a visual. But it could also be a feeling. Allow it to expand. And it will speak.

Do not interrupt anything that you notice. That will break your flow. Give it space and allow it to lead you. Continue writing once you start, without breaks. And please let me know what you put down!

I’ll share what comes up for me below, but please try yourself before reading on.

There are robed members of the church. Watching from a distance. Their hands held, solemnly observing the event. It is disappointing and yet there is a quiet hope, off in that distance. To see the members of the church. Because all hope was lost, until they showed up. There have been few things quite this terrible in the town. And as all the townspeople gather to watch, they can’t help but notice the presence of God looking over them. And suddenly, they start to wonder why he had not done anything to prevent this calamity. And look around at each other, and the members of the church, wondering where to go from here. Not everything can be fixed. But how nice would it be, to have God watching over them now. Had he been before? Or does it even matter? That he’s here.

The perfect segue into our next journey. See you then!

Most of us have had an experience where we sit down and paint without any constraints, not knowing where things are headed at first, but then reaching a point where somehow we automatically know when it’s done. There is nothing more that could be added or removed. How could this be? Well, one thing is clear to me—that what is on the inside has been found on the outside.

We can do this more easily with writing. And with writing, what comes out requires no interpretation. So let’s combine this practice with music from Claude Debussy’s La cathédrale engloutie and see what we discover about ourselves.

I’ll share my own inner vision with you below, but I encourage you to take a few deep breaths and try yourself first.

So take out a piece of paper and a pen or start a new google doc if that’s easier, and start writing 10 seconds after you hit play on the song right here.

Just open yourself to the possibility that there is something beyond what you hear, and wait for what it is. It may be a visual. But it could also be a feeling. Allow it to expand. And it will speak.

Do not interrupt anything that you notice. That will break your flow. Give it space and allow it to lead you. Continue writing once you start, without breaks. And please let me know what you put down!

I’ll share what comes up for me below, but please try yourself before reading on.

A beautiful angel walking in the clouds, along clear glass pathways, opening up into other clear glass pathways. Exploring the clouds, creating new steps as she goes. Unsure of where she’s headed. But everywhere she steps, a new pathway opens up in front of her. She realizes the beauty in her movement. Feeling so connected to her surroundings that she is in heaven. Or she must be at least. It is almost better, because every step is synchronized to what appears in front of her. Even though she does not know what will appear next. What a good feeling. To be so connected to all that exists that you can move forward with grace into the unknown. The power of steps is immaculate. Divine. She slows down to feel. And looks around at all that she’s created. The pathways go up and down, through a magic kingdom of sorts. It is more profound than she could ever imagine. There is no consistent direction, and yet her paths seem so natural. As the clouds begin to fade, she sees even more of this heavenly kingdom that appeared with each step. She is in awe of everything behind her. It does not matter where she goes, or where she’s going. It only matters that she is in tune with each step.

On what this has to do with me, I will say that there is much here!

I have no idea where I’m going with many things in my life, but I do know that I am called to them and compelled to follow them. And in truth it has always been this way, but for years I fought it.

Now I have no problem stepping into the unknown. In fact, I enjoy it. A lot. Because I always know a next step will appear when I do not force it. And every once and awhile, I remember to look up and see all the beauty that surrounds me.

Noting the coincidence, the physicists believed that Van Gogh found the pattern in nature.

Of course, Huang said, van Gogh would not have been aware of such equations but likely he spent a lot of time observing turbulence in nature.

And he surely did, but there’s much more to this story than outer observation.

At the time, Van Gogh was plagued with hallucinations and struggled to keep consciousness. To the point that upon completion of the painting, he cut off his left ear and committed himself to asylum.

So it would not be a stretch by any means to say that Van Gogh’s mental and physical world was turbulence at the time. And who could perfectly represent turbulence in the sky through painting better than someone skilled in the art who was intimately connected to it in their own life journey?

With Starry Night, we are left with an exceptional mirror into the world of Vincent Van Gogh at the time of painting. One that shatters the illusion between inner and outer.

All creation is like this.

Dance with us around the fire, and look into our eyes. For we are right here. With you. In all that you see. All that you think. All that you are. The fire connects us, as our eyes meet yours. There is great wisdom in this circle. And it is yours… All that is needed is for you to dance with us, around the fire.

So I’m excited to share this with you and hear about what you find.

In this process, you will journey to a tribal fire ceremony and reconnect with your support system. Instead of recording something for you to listen to, I’ve written the steps below, because I want you to use the map to get there on your own. Note that I’ve added a drum track below to be used with these steps. Feel free to use a different one if it calls to you.

1. Close your eyes and breathe as deeply as you can. When you breathe, imagine that you’re using your breath to pull a weight up from your pelvic floor to the top of your head. If this makes no sense to you, just breathe deeply.

2. Start dancing to the music. I mean really dance. Like no one’s watching.

3. Once you’ve noticed that you’re not thinking, imagine looking up to find: a fire burning in front of you; your awareness on the edge of a circle around it; and people and other things completing the circle. If this is not happening, no need to panic or doubt yourself. Breathe and dance more. It will come.

4. Look around. Where are you? The desert, woods, a cave? Is it night or day? Are there any structures close by? What are people wearing?

5. Notice who’s there, in the circle. Look people in the eyes. Do you recognize anyone? Your parents, siblings, Barack Obama? How are they dancing? Are they saying anything to you with the way they move?

6. What else do you see? Can you find hummingbird, jaguar, eagle/condor, and serpent? These are powerful animals in the Shamanic medicine wheel.

7. Call for anything or anyone that you realize might be missing. You can also ask the question - who or what is not here with me, and why? An answer will come.

8. Enjoy the moment for as long as you’d like. Then thank everything there for being with you and ask for continued support.

9. When you’re ready, open your eyes and take a deep breath, recalling everything you witnessed.

Here’s the soundtrack. I suggest turning on repeat so that you don’t get interrupted if you need more time. If you have paid Spotify, open this in your desktop Spotify player and enable repeat.

If not, here’s a Soundcloud link. Soundcloud has a repeat button on the player that hovers over the bottom of the page. Keep in mind that Spotify does have ads, and repeat seems to play them.

And more importantly, let me know how it all goes!