I am a tyrant: just ask the body
Look at all I've done.
I’m an authoritarian dictator. A tyrant.
Just ask the body.
I control
When I sleep.
When I eat.
When I work.
When I move.
Where I work.
How I work.
How I move.
How I look.
How I feel.
What I eat.
What I feel.
What I smell.
What I taste.
What I hear.
What I see.
Just ask the body.
I’ve ignored and rejected the body—my entire life.
Because it’s my body.
I’m in control.
Sure, the body has tried many times
To stop me.
It’s tried to take me down.
But I’m no amateur. I started young.
In kindergarten I wouldn’t… poop
I wouldn’t clear or expel waste
In school.
So there I was at the age of five
Making myself sick each and every day
Fighting against the body’s natural rhythm and autonomy.
Clinging to what the body no longer needed
Because I believed that I needed to please others
And that waste was dirty.
As if I knew what the body needed better than the body itself.
And what a difficult thing to do.
Control the unpredictable and involuntary bowels to the point of disconnection.
Creating dis-ease to protect myself from an uncertain world.
I could have just let it all go to create immediate relief.
But the world was foreign.
Even though everyone expelled waste.
I was holding on.
So my body was just as foreign
Rejecting it in order to find acceptance.
Separating myself.
Pushing myself further and further away
While believing that I was moving closer.
And what could be more frustrating than being at war with the body
While thinking I’ve been at war with the world?
There was a time when my will was the will of the body
But that was all before I felt like I had a choice in the matter.
All before there was something I realized I could control.
A time when I was everything and no thing
My parents
My environment
The nurse that delivered me to my mother’s arms.
When I was hungry
I ate.
When I was tired
I slept.
I had everything I needed.
I didn’t need to control a thing.
Yet.
But the world saw arms and legs
Attached to me.
Then suddenly I was naked, Adam
Without clothing.
And unable to expel waste.
A child that learned about the world.
A child that learned to control.
Because without control I was naked.
Exposed in a world that I was not.
And now I was falling.
So by the age of five I was a dictator.
And by the age of fifteen
After controlling the body for years
Well on my way to hyper-tension.
Creating dis-ease in the body.
And how could I not be?
When I’m controlling the body every step of the way.
And look at all I’ve created.
I’m an authoritarian America. The world.
Just ask the world.
I control
When the world sleeps.
When the world eats.
When the world works.
When the world moves.
Where the world works.
How the world works.
…
What the world sees.
Just ask the world.
I’ve ignored and rejected the world—my entire life.
Because the world’s my world.
America’s in control.
Sure, the world has tried many times
To stop me.
The world’s tried to take me down.
But I’m no world. The world started me.
The world wouldn’t clear or expel America
In the world.
So there I was at the age of five
Making myself America each and every day
Fighting against the world’s natural rhythm and autonomy.
Clinging to the America the world no longer needed
Because I believed that I needed to please the world
And that the world was America.
As if I knew what the world needed better than the world itself.
And what a difficult world to do.
Control the unpredictable and involuntary America to the point of the world.
Creating America to protect myself from an uncertain world.
I could have just let America all go to create immediate relief.
But I was America.
Even though I expelled the world.
I was holding myself.
So I was just as the world
Rejecting myself in order to find myself.
Separating myself.
Pushing myself further and further away
While believing that I was moving the world.
And what could be more me than being at war with myself
While thinking I’ve been at war with the world?
There was a time when I was the world
But that was all before I felt like I had America in the world.
All before the world was an America I realized I could control.
A time when I was the world and no America
Me
The world
The world that delivered me to myself.
When the world was hungry
The world ate.
When the world was tired
The world slept.
The world had everything the world needed.
The world didn’t need to control the world.
Yet.
But the world saw America
Attached to me.
Then suddenly I was me, America
Without the world.
And unable to expel myself.
I learned about the world.
An America that learned to control.
Because without America I was the world.
The world in an America that I was not.
And now I was America.
So by the age of five I was America.
And by the age of fifteen
After controlling myself for years
Well on my way to hyper-America.
Creating America in the world.
And how could I not be?
When I’m controlling myself every step of the way.